‘Ladies and Gents’, the announcer intoned, ‘as a symbol of their love, Warren and Debbie have invited you all to join them for a celebratory drink in the Think Big bar’.

‘Bewdy’, said Gav, ‘I’ll be in that, let’s go!’

The foursome made their way up to the bar, along with a few hundred other punters keen to make the most of the big event.

‘Flamin heck’, moaned Col, ‘these barmaids are as busy as one-legged tap dancers, we’ll never get a drink at this pace’.

‘You’re right’, agreed Stella, ‘whaddya say we head back to one of the other bars and not worry about it?’.

They were about to leave when Debbie, the new bride made her way to centre stage. ‘I’d just want to thank all of youse for being part of our special day…uh, night’, Debbie gushed, ‘I love youse all’.

Gav couldn’t resist, ‘Invite us to the honeymoon then’ he heckled, much to the amusement of the crowd.

‘Let’s get out of here’, said Stacey, wanting to make a quick exit before the inevitable tears came and ruined her blue eyeshadow.

Suddenly, Stella saw a green, red and pink blur flying through the air, headed in her direction. Instictively, she made a leap and plucked it out of the air, like a fullback under a high ball. The blokes in the crowd hooted with approval, while most of the women let out a sigh.

‘Strike a light!’ Stella exclaimed, ‘You’d at least have thought they could have taken the bloody thorns off the roses’

‘Hey Stell’, whispered Stacey, ‘Do you know what you’re holding there?’

It took Stella a few moments to realise she was holding the bridal bouquet, which Debbie had thrown just as they were heading out the door. Then she turned to Col, held the bouquet out towards him and gave him a big cheesy grin. ‘Hey Col’, she said, ‘Ya know what this means, don’t ya?’

The End

‘This one’s my gift to youse’, Angry said as he started a heartfelt rendition of ‘Suddenly’.

‘Omigod! Just like Scott and Charlene on Neighbours!’, Stella exclaimed almost jumping out of her chair.

The nervous groom came and stood in the middle of the track and watched his emotional bride being led out on the back of a horse wearing a top hat.

‘C’war, they dressed up the flamin’ horse an all!’, said Gavin, impressed even further when he noticed the cummerbund around the horse’s torso.

They were soon joined by a celebrant dressed in silks especially for the occasion. “I wonder where they got silks made for a bloke who’s about 6′ 5”?”, Collin pondered.

‘So it was bakery Debbie after all’, Stacey was very quiet through most of the wedding, she always got teary at weddings and didn’t want to be embarrassed in front of Gavin. This was one of the most beautiful weddings she had ever seen.

Angry finished his song to a thunderous applause from the stand and handed the microphone over to the Celebrant.

As the ceremony began, Collin inched over to sit even closer to Stella and rested his hand on her knee. Stella was in such a dream-like state while the ceremony was happening, the next thing she knew it was ‘kiss the bride’ time. ‘Jeez, every girl dreams of a fairy tale weddin’ like this, don’t they Stace?’.

‘If you’re into that kinda stuff’, Stacey said desperately trying to hold back her emotions.

The newly married couple mounted the formally dressed horse and rode off the track to Angry singing a heavy metal version of ‘Unchained Melody’.

Collin and Stella made their way through the turnstiles, found Stacey and Gavin and they all had a good laugh about Jenny and Darryl’s sudden exit.

‘So they were going at it while he was driving, eh?’ asked Gav.

‘Sure looked like it’ said Stella, ‘I think she was having a bit of trouble with the gearstick though, if you know what I mean’

Their fits of laughter were interrupted by an announcement blaring over the speakers.

‘Ladies and Gents’, the track announcer was saying, ‘if you take a look at your race guide for this evening, you’ll notice that Race 5 is listed as the WD40 Maiden’s handicap. We’ve got a special surpise for you all tonight, as Race 5 isn’t really a race, it’s actually a surpise wedding. I’ve got young Warren Davidson here with me at the moment. He’s recently proposed to his girl Debbie and tonight he’s surprising her with a wedding. Now, we’ve got a surprise for Warren as well, because we’ve managed to get Angry Anderson to perform the ceremony and also give us a couple of songs. We do, of course, have to make sure the track is cleared for Race 6, so let’s get this wedding happening’.

‘Bloody hell’, said Gav, ‘I was sure no. 8 - Bridesmaid’s Drunk Uncle was a shoe-in for Race 5….though come to think of it, all these flamin’ nags had strange names like Teary Mother, Eager Groomsman, Shotgun Wedding an’ that’

‘I wonder if that’s hairdresser Debbie of bakery Debbie’, said Stacey, ‘I went to school with both of ‘em, but I can’t remember which one had the hots for Waz’

‘We’ll find out soon enough’, said Collin, ‘looks like they’re just about ready to start. Look, there’s old Angry….I reckon he’s polished his head for the ceremony, if it was any more reflective I’d have to put me sunnies on.’

Once Jen was in full swing it was pretty obvious to everyone, most of all Darryl, what her intentions were - subtlety wasn’t her specialty. After some whispering and giggling and a notably long absence to get the next round of drinks, it was clear to Gav and Stacey that they had been abandoned by their respective dates.

“So do ya always get your own way like this?”, Stacey smirked at Gavin.

“You can flamin’ talk! You can’t tell me you were seriously wantin’ to hook up with that Galah! He’s as slimy…. as something very bloody slimy!”. With that, the two of them burst into fits of laughter and struggled to contain themselves as Darryl and Jenny approached them with drinks, Jenny looking very dishevelled and Darryl looking very happy with himself.

“The young lady here isn’t feeling the best so I’m going to do the gentlemanly thing and give her a ride home”, Darryl managed to say without making eye contact with either Gav or Stace.

“Yeah… a ride”, Gav didn’t have time to finish before Stacey’s elbow jabbed into his ribs.

“Ok then Daz, thanks for the dinner n that, hope you’re feelin’ better soon Jen”, Stacey was still struggling to keep a straight face.

Collin and Stella walked towards the entrance of the track just in time to see Darryl’s ‘78 Fairmont drive away. “Crikey, I’m sure that was Jenny pressed up against Daz”, Stella pointed out to Collin.

Collin laughed, “Flamin’ heck that mongrel moves fast”.

Back at the track, Gav’s plan was going down a treat…half the time at least. The girls were very competitive, but the problem was they couldn’t decide which bloke they were fighting over. If Stacey started talking to Darryl, Jen would come over and giggle in his ear. Alternatively, if Jen and Gav were getting close, Stacey would go and intervene.

Jen didn’t really care if she ended up with Gav or Daz, but there was no way she was letting Stacey make the decision for her. ‘I’m not gonna be stuck with that scrubber’s leftovers’, Jen thought to herself, ’so I just need to choose which one of these blokes is worthy of me attention’. She looked at Daz, oozing the sophisticated charm that comes with living in outer suburbia for 20 years. Her eyes started at his mullet, with his soft silky locks, shorn sides and slighly spiky fringe, where his hair gel was waging a war with the remnants of his previous man-perm. They then moved down to the open collar of his best hawaiian shirt, where the curly tufts of chest hair poked out from behind the jungle of gold chains. She didn’t spend much time on the beer gut, instead moving quickly down to his black skintight jeans and his tooled leather belt with a Harley Davidson buckle. ‘He sure is a package’ she concluded.

Jen had a quick glance over at Gav and it didn’t take her long to relegate him to second place. ‘Sure he might be a bit fitter’, she thought, ‘and he’s probably still got all his own teeth…but he just doesn’t stack up in the charm stakes. I reckon this Daz might be a bit flush with the cash too - he’s definitely the pick of this litter’.

Now that she had made up her mind, it was time for Jen to make her moves….

Stella ran upstairs to get changed into something a bit nicer since it was Ladies Night and all, besides she was a little embarrassed that Collin had seen her unprepared. She realised as she got into her room that she was wearing a black bra under a white tank top. “Crikey, very classy Stell”, she muttered to herself. She hurriedly changed into her favourite stone wash skirt and off the shoulder knitted top and started to apply make up.

Collin took the opportunity to have a bit of a look around. He was glad to see a family photo that allayed all fears regarding Stella’s mother, ‘Jeez, some stock this family’s breedin’ from’, Collin thought to himself. As Collin took in the warm feeling of Stella’s family home, he knew right then that this was the kind of life he wanted. Collin had never had much of a family life and until now, looking at the brown velour lounge and imitation wood grain furniture, he hadn’t known what he was missing. He could certainly see a future with Stella, who knows, maybe they’d a have a fibro house as nice as this one some day.

Stella ran downstairs, much more confident now that she had adequate amounts of blue eyeliner in place. “C’war Stell, you look ace”, Collin felt his heart thumping in his chest. “How’d a bozo like me end up with a…. girlfriend… like you?”, Collin hoped he hadn’t been to presumptuous but he liked the way that sounded and couldn’t help but grin.

“You deserve me just fine Col”, Stella smiled back.

He took her hand and they made their way out to the Kingy. Collin filled Stella in on the situation down at the track, they wondered about what they might find when they got there.

Fortunately for Collin, Stella had given him her address when they made plans to go to the drive-in together, so it was a bit easier to track her down this time. It wasn’t until he pulled up though, that he remembered she still lived with her parents.

‘Flaming heck’, he thought, ‘I’m not ready to meet her oldies just yet….though it might be a good chance to get a look at her Mum to see how Stella’s gonna turn out in a few years’.

Col took a moment to run his fingers through his hair and pick some assorted dirt off his boots before he walked nervously up to the front door. Stella had been watching him the whole time and opened the door just as he landed on the doorstep.

‘Cripes Stel, you just about gave me a coronation…or whatever they call a heart attack nowadays. I was just getting meself psyched up to meet your Old man…uh, I mean your Dad….sorry Stel, I’m as toey as a roman sandal when it comes to this ‘meet the parents’ caper.’

‘Don’t worry Col, me folks aren’t home - it’s darts night down at the Royal Albert pub. What can I do ya for?’

‘Geez Stel…I’m not really sure why I’m here’, Col stammered, ‘I was just down at the trots with Gav and Jen and Stace and Darryl and found meself a bit lost. There’s all sorts of scheming going on there, and it just made me realise how glad I was to have a found a sheila like you’.

‘Aw Col’, Stella blushed, ‘If you were any sweeter there’d be a swarm of bees following ya around. Tell ya what - why don’t we head back into the trots and show em how the other half live?’

“Why not eh?” said Gav, looking over to a very annoyed Jenny. It was clear Jenny didn’t want to spend the evening anywhere near Stacey, but Gav was hoping Darryl would soon have her well and truly distracted.

‘Strewth, this is like watchin’ a flamin’ car wreck’, Col thought to himself. Now that he had his mind set on Stella, these games seemed ridiculous and he couldn’t quite figure out why he was there and not with her. Col leant in to Gav and whispered, “I’m gonna make like a tree and ‘leaf’ mate”.

“Crikey mate, I need ya here, where ya goin’?” Gav protested.

“Look Gav, I’m as useless as a hip pocket on a singlet here mate, I’ll swing by and pick ya up after the last race, but I’m not hangin’ ’round watchin’ these crazy shenanigans”.

“Ya comin’ or not, me dagwood dog is getting cold?” Stacey interrupted.

“Yeah ladies, break it up”, Darryl snorted at his own wit. Jenny chimed in with a giggle. Gav turned around just in time to catch some eye contact between Jenny and Darryl and all of a sudden felt a lot more confident about the situation.

“Ok Col, see ya after the races mate”, Gav smiled.

Collin almost ran to the Kingy, he hoped Stella was at home and he hoped she didn’t mind him just popping in on her unannounced.

Gav ignored what Jenny was saying to him and turned his full attention to Darryl and Stacey.

Jenny sat in between Gav and Collin on the front bench seat of the Kingy. She was making Collin very uncomfortable, finding sexual innuendo in everything he said and touching him on the knee when she talked to him. He could see she was giving Gav the same treatment, but Collin had a girl, he wasn’t interested in some other sheila touching him up.

“Talked to Stella today,” Collin said out of the blue, making sure Jenny realized that he was spoken for.

“Sounds like some fancy stuck up name to me” said Jenny, snorting at her own joke.

“So Jen, what lucky bloke are you seein’ at the moment?” Gav said interjecting before Collin fired up about the comment made about Stella.

“Geez Gav, you know me better than that eh?” Jenny said, “Can’t be tyin’ meself down to one bloke n that, I got too much to offer eh?” she continued, now turning more of her attention to Gav, placing her hand on his knee.

‘Thank Christ we’re almost there’ Gav thought to himself, ‘Crikey, do I need a drink’.

They made their way to the gates of the track. Monday night was ladies night at the trots so Jenny got in free, Gav was relieved because he didn’t want to have to pay for her and make it look like a real ‘date’, ‘besides, these sheilas today wanna be treated equal n that, they can pay for their own flamin admission