Chuckler’s Musings

Well I’m currently on the train from Florence to Amsterdam. Parts of this entry are by me, some parts are by Godfrey. Those reading online will have no problems working out which is which, as Godfrey’s comments are indented, but those reading via email will also have no problems, as Godfrey’s writing has a style all of its own. Without further ado, on with the blogging:

We first caught the Eurostar Italia from Florence to Milan, which was just a regular first class cabin, and then we had a sleeper car from Milan to Frankfurt. I was quite impressed by the sleeper car - it was comfortable and moderately quiet. At first it was a little difficult to sleep, esp on account of the constant slowing and speeding up which made you roll side to side with each change in speed, Fortunately we then stopped somewhere outside of Milan for long enough to fall completely, and soundly, asleep.

An early morning start this morning, being woken up at 5:30 to prepare for a 6am disembarking at Frankfurt. The sleeper then went on to Dusselforf, but we changed to a faster train - an ICE (inter city express) which also went through Dusseldorf on the way to Amsterdam, so we could’ve slept in longer, but we overtook the sleeper train somewhere long before that. The ICE reaches speeds of around 200kph from what I’ve heard.

The sleeper cars are infitely better than couchettes. If you have the option, get the sleeper car - you’ll get a good nights sleep, you won’t have to share with strangers, and the beds don’t smell of smoke.

For those interested in the timing We left florence at 1714 on Friday 13th and arrived at Milano at 2000 then left Milano at 2112 on the ShnellZug D300 overnight train to Frankfurt arriving at 0557 before leaving again on the ICE 222 to Amsterdam arriving at 1052. Basically a 17 hour train journey which is 100 x better than even a 6 hour plane flight. In Amsterdam we are staying at our most expensive hotel on the Rembrantplein which is apparently quite an upmarket area.

Which reminds me, with the inconvenience of flying, I don’t know why someone doesn’t build a super-fast train track between (say for example) Sydney and Melbourne. Actually I do know why, cost, but the train has a lot of advantages over flying. You can use the telephone the whole way - which some people we’ve travelled in the vicinity of have, it’s more comfortable, and they have a restaurant on-board. Godfrey’s promised a manifesto on the comparison between flying, training, and training with a Eurail pass when we get home, and I look forward to reading it.

Oh, for a case of the mundanes, we’re going to have to do laundry today, as we both stink and so do all our clothes. The shower in the hotel in Florence was TINY and I’m a bit suprised that the hotel was so big with tourgroups for that reason. There were people in the lobby of the hotel larger than I, and they would’ve had serious trouble navigating their massive asses into the shower cubicle if they had the same facilities we had.

On Wednesday, we caught the Eurostar Italia to Rome to check out the scene there. It was crowded and smelly, and we saw the sites with a “hop-on/hop-off” tourist bus which was E13. Saw some great sites, the collosseum, the basilica, etc, and caught the Eurostar back to Florence at the end of the day. There was a supplemental charge (in addition to our Eurail pass) to ride the Eurostar, which was E15 per person, each way, but it was far preferable to the equivalent regional trains, which would’ve taken many changes, and around 4 hours each way instead of an hour and a half each way on the Eurostar.

So now heres some bitching about Eurail passes, first you pay a shiteload at home for the 15 day consecutive pass ($1500 AUD or 820 Euros), which supposedly covers you for train travel across most of Europe - Bullshit. You start paying once you arrive and you just keep paying. Our only “Free” train trip on the Eurail pass was a 7 Euro each way trip from Firenze to Pisa (woo hoo) Fuckers.

We then pay 15 each way for Supplemento Rapido (for fast trains) 6 Euros to just reserve a seat on a normal train (also on ICE trains which is a good point because they are also a fast train - 200kms/hr). We paid 30 each for a Couchette in 1st class(shared with 2 other people (total of 4) who could be strange Russains with bowel complaints as our next cabin neighbors were!. The couchette seats are amazingly hard I think on a Mohs scale even harder than concrete. Also the seats whilst being hard and having the properties of a solid also had the properties of a gas namely smoke. Everytime you got comfortable you basically had your nose jammed up against the base of the seat where many European asses have sat over the years and it appears they also smoke out of their asses as well. It was a huge relief to leave Italy for some reason they put me a bit more on edge, it felt great to arrive in Frankfurt and back to some Germany predictability. Its not that Italy is dirty - the streets were quite clean and there wasnt too much dog shit in Florence as the guidebooks warn of. BUT for somereason it felt odd, not unsafe odd, just a bit more on edge, people everywhere but not packed, not amazingly friendly i.e. no one at all said hello or even smiles. Ahh back in Germany, its clean, bright, new (of course because it was all bombed to the shitehouse so its all been rebuilt over the past 50 years of course its new. The people here are at least happier, the staff on the trains are efficient (as they were in all other countries) but here they at least make you feel welcome and confident.

Now for some Guidebook Bitching - They are a complete waste of time. Unless you find yourself in a very odd city as a result of fucking up your train journey and really want to see the ruins of an 17th century church dedicated to peat workers they are FUCKING USELESS. Anywhere they mention to eat aren’t there any more.

Also you could make a Western Europe Guidebook about 2 pages long when you look at the repition, every city you need to be careful of pickpockets etc. When looking for places to eat, anywhere near a tourist monment etc will be more expensive and shittier than those just a few lanes away. Take the hint and buy your drinks at a Supermarket otherwise like me you will pay for a 4.5 euro drink - Fucking 8 dollar powerade - I am reminded of the Pulp fiction quote about the $5 shake where it had better be a fucking good shake for $5. Unfortunately $8 powerade thats WARM *Fuckers* (cannot even understand what a cold drink is - a store in Florence even had drinks on the top shelf of their fridge that felt warmer than those outside the fridge) so back to the $8 powerade, what the fucking hell is with that everyone in Europe must either earn a fuckton of Euros or just be dirt poor after they buy their groceries.

So back to the Guidebooks, Maps in Guidebook guide suck - do yourself a favour and if you take one to cut down on weight just go through it and rip out all the maps - they are completely fucked. - also rip out those sections on History - if you wanted a history lesson the last place you would look would be a Guidebook anyway - fucking get to the point). Also rip out all their recommendations on Hotels and places to eat as 1, they are never there and 2 what was good when it was written 2-3 years ago will not be the same 2-3 years later, except Laundromats, they are often in the same place but - WHO THE FUCK CARES - Even the prices on the Laundromat will be different. In fact the only thing that the Guidebook manages to get right are the main monuments - but you want to know something - they have been in the same place for the last few hundred to thousand years so I would fucking hope they manage to get those right.

Also the climate section - WOW in Winter its Cold and in Summer its warmer great news. How about you just check the internet weather before you leave or take a combination of clothes if you are travelling in Spring/Autumn. Hey if you dont like the weather when you get to Europe - what are you going to do - go home! So thats the introduction, history, climate, places to stay/eat, the main sites are covered in the free tourists maps, Also their recommended tours also suffer from being out of date or exceedingly hard to find so cut that out as well. Getting there/away - heres a hint, you can get to most places by Plane/Train/Bus or Automobile. Most cities in Europe have great public transport that usually serves the airport. Worst case scenario you can ask at the Tourist office - just be prepared to wait. Gay/Lesbian travellers - if you arent Gay or Lesbian you can tear out these sections, they are only useful if you need to wear a blue hat or register at the local Gay/Lesbian office in the particular country you are visiting. Public transport - is expensive but cheaper than any other option. Buy a day ticket where possible, in Germany if travelling with someone else (up to 5 people on 1 ticket) their partner tickets are good value. Also think ahead and buy a 3 day ticket if you are staying for 3 days. They are usually valid for all public transport Bus, Train, Trams, U Bahn, S Bahn (just a hint your Eurail is not valid on many inner city trains except some S Bahns but you then need to change to a U Bahn anyway so you will need a ticket. The reason day tickets are better is because you dont have to work out the zones, transfers, time etc that you need to for a single journey tickets. Tourists offices are either found in the main train stations or just pester some station information people to find out where the tourist office is - this is such a common question they often have A4 bits of paper stuck up near their information office saying where it is. Also saying ONLY TRAIN INFORMATION, NO BUS TICKETS, NO TOURIST INFORMATION, NO ENGLISH INFORMATION and other helpful slogans.

Yeah that just about covers it

Oh, luggage lockers are either too small, broken, full or smell like urine, or a combination of the above. Just leave your luggage at your hotel (if you are staying in hotels, they have no problems minding it all day while you are out).

One More thing take some advice from my tour guide in Borneo Froid - Froid say to prepare oneself before leaving on tour, as I was preplexed about exactly what preparations I needed, I questioned him further to find out he meant to make sure I voided and defecated before getting on the bus. Thats right, Go early and go often. There are no free public toilets that arent cesspools of primordial goo. If they dont stink it aint free. Also train toilets dont have seats, and within 5 minutes of the train leaving leaving the station (clean) someone has pissed over every surface, taken all the toilet paper, used all the water and taken the soap. So if you need to do number 2 bring your own toilet seat. Also always carry change for the Pissoir which varies in cost between 60 Euro cents and 1.10 for a number 2.

So heres my Guide to Europe

Before you leave home

1. Make sure you are bringing a backpack and a daypack (smaller pack) and a money belt for your important stuff
2. Put all your shite in the backpack, put it on and adjust it as its a bitch to do it on the Subway in your first city. If its a new backpack make sure they told you how to adjust it otherwise its fun learning what all those straps do.
3. Make sure you have comfortable shoes - i.e. buy new joggers before you leave
4. Take thick socks to prevent blisters or be prepared to double sock. Now some fucking kid is kicking the back of my seat (fucking great - fuck off you fuckers)
5. Take novels you can throw away - I recommend 2nd hand bookstores at home. Books in europe are about 14 Euros in the few english language bookstores. Magazines in Europe in english range between 9 euroes and 19 euroes for something that would cost $5-8.50 at home in AUD.
6. Train travel is 100 x better than airtravel and I bore easily- the combination of not being dry as a dead dingos donger in the desert while flying and actually being able to work/read/see scenery is without peer. Trains here are also usually perfectly on time (to the minute on the Deutch Bahn) if you have a first class pass (which I would recommend) as second class is full of second class people who play loud bollywood music and dance about whilst sitting on the floor etc.
7. Rip all the maps out of your Guidebook or just dont bring it at all .
8. Use Bookings.net or Venere to book your hotels as they seem to work quite well
9. Carry cash as it appears that most restaurants dont take credit cards
10. ATMS are everywhere so dont change any money before you leave.

Note we are travelling in a Mild October, Munich was only cold enough to wear an outer shell Goretex jacket at times (i.e. no fleece) but mostly just jeans and a T shirt, Prague was just a bit colder Jacket all the time with jeans and a T shirt underneath, there was rain in Both Munich (much heavier) than Prague (more drizzel), no rain in Italy and it was warm enough for shorts/T-shirts (25 degrees). I cannot recommend enough a comfortable pair of Chino’s. For all the sleeping on trains, planes, churches etc (that often need long pants) as well as just blending in better (as no one in Europe wears shorts except hot chicks (With patterned tights and CFMB) and tourists.

If you dont plan on eating at an expensive restaurant or going to the opera, theatre shows or going clubbing dont bother with dress shirts/pants/shoes.

I did bring two pairs of shoes, which I felt would be a waste (1 pair joggers 1 pair black work shoes (light ones)) but after getting completely drenched in Munich the second pair of shoes and long pants was a huge bonus as shoes take a while to dry out.

If I was travelling again at this time of year I would bring

1 Pair Joggers, 1 pair other light shoes as spares Or Sandles etc.
2 Pairs long pants (1 pair jeans, 1 pair chinos)
5 T Shirts
5 Underwear
5 Socks - mix of short running socks and Thick hiking socks)
1 Gore Tex outer shell
1 Light Fleece - Can be worn under GoreTex outershell
Could consider 1 x Long Sleve Shirt - make it cotton, dark in colour

Toiletries - Get a hanging toiletries bag from Kathmandu they are very good for getting your shite away from the sink/wet.

For all of these - dont bring more than whats left at home as you can buy everything, everywhere in Europe it really is true.
Deoderant
Tweezers, Nail Clippers
Asprin, Paracetamol, Immodium, Anti-Histamine for runny noses etc

Also everyone speaks English unless proven otherwise, just speak slowly and add in pidgen Italian, German, Czech until you get your point across. My mOtto has ever been if someone doesnt understand english just speak louder and through the force of my voice echoing inside their skull they will suddenly be able to understand. (Its a trick I learnt from all the American tourists) Other tricks are “Hey what tree is that? - Who the fuck cares its a tree dont you have trees at home?, “Coversation with Dean - American “What do you do” Dean “I am a computer programmer” American “I thought so” Dean “Yeah thats because I am fat with glasses” American ” No, I work in computers so I could tell” SURE FUCKWHIT, Dean isnt even a computer programmer he is a LIAR and you got sucked into his big lie. Dean is a Sumo Wrestler and we will be trying that on future Americans.

Shaving Oil - seems to work well even though its clear and light - it lasts a while, isnt pressurised and is very small/light.
Toothbrush
Toothpaste
Deoderant

Electrical related bullshit - Which you carry round just in case - I only used my MP3 player once, it seems I prefer just sitting and thinking, reading or sleeping than actually listening to Music - Weird isnt it.

Camera
Charger
Spare battery for Camera
USB cable for Camera
Mobile
Mobile Phone Charger
MP3 Player
Noice cancelling Headphones - Which work to cut out that lower frequency drone in the plane but dont block sound 100% or even close. Creative HN 101 from Pricepoint of course
Power to USB adapter
Powerpoint adapter - a smart addition is a powerboard if you intend to bring a laptop as it saves on multiple adapters

A huge bonus for me this trip has been using face moisturiser - it has prevented my skin feeling completely shite like it used to after flying. Also drinking nothing but water/juice on the flight and not eating too much made the flight much more pleasant NB the flight attendants on Emirates flights are not all hotties however they are very helpful and I could not fault their service. However Dubai airport is something to experience with hundreds of people in Arab dress sleeping just everywhere even though there werent any obvious delays.

Step 1: Arrive at train station
Step 2: Find tourist office and get free map - avoid information offices that say NO Tourist Information ETC which seems fairly commong - In Italy it appears the train information people only offered advice about where to go within the train station to get better advice FFS.
Step 3: Find the metro and get to your hotel - Ignore all Taxis (they are a rip off everywhere and there is no point)

On Thursday we caught the Regional train to Pisa and saw the leaning tower. It was quite impressive actually, I was suprised. Again, the Guidebook was a source of disappointment with its out-of-date or incorrect information - the metro bus it told us to catch to the tower no longer existed, but we worked it out, after our now traditional “at least one stop in the wrong direction” method of bus travel. We found the tower, took the obligitory photos, but that was the extent of our desire to see Pisa, which is small enough that we decided to walk back to the Stazzione, stopping at a small cafe for lunch. I had parpadelle with wild boar, which was delicious, but after ordering I realized there was actually no way to confirm its “wild” status, it was probably just regular old pork.

Yesterday Godfrey made us go on a massive walk around Florence, to serve 3 purposes: the first, to see Florence which we hadn’t really done yet; the second, to fill in the day until it was time to leave; the third, to make us tired enough to sleep on the train that evening. The first step to this plan was stealing as much food as possible from the breakfast buffet to sustain us for the train trip that evening - a challenge we relished. That was actually the second time stealing from that hotel, when we arrived some days ago and were unable to checkin until after midday, we killed some of that time helping ourselves to their breakfast buffet. Back to the walk: We went up to Piazza Michelangelo, which was a climb to a hilltop lookout, and presented quite good views over the city. We criss-crossed our way up the hill, but found a direct massive staircase down, which would’ve been hundreds of uneven steps in the direction of the city wall. The second stop on the grand walking tour was Palazzo Pitti, which was a big old palace, and now apparently a museum of some sort. I’m disinclined to pay the ridiculous entry fees for some of these museums, and Godfrey is also modererately touriested-out, mainly due to the cost, so we took a brief pause and then pushed on across the Arno river to the Stazione. There’s an internet cafe at the Stazzione that we still had credit at, so we used the remainder of our credit and then headed out for lunch. We found a cafe just past the Duomo that offered first and second courses for E10 total, so that, with a jug of house wine and an espresso for afterwards, was the perfect final lunch in Florence.

Home stretch now, that’s for sure, and looking forward to getting back home. I get a limo transfer from the airport, so I don’t need to be met at the airport, thanks anyway M&D&C. We have three nights at Amsterdam, meeting up with Rob B on Monday, and then we’re off to Paris overnight, and then a limo to the Paris airport to home.