Chuckler’s Musings

> I need ideas.
>
> I’m on this stupid eating plan for the pre-surgery thing that pretty
> much includes vegetables (no delicious vegetables, only the chaff),
> water and optifast. It is hard - very hard - and I’m struggling.
> Last night I was so cross at the delicious food just lying around
> the place, and me not able to eat any of it, I started fantasizing
> about just saying to hell with it, going to certain restaurants and
> ordering obscene quantites (far more than I would even be able to
> eat) and generally making a pig of myself. Real eyes-bigger-than-the
> belly stuff, if that’s possble. Instead I sulked and then went to
> sleep.
>
> So I want to work out some way of rewarding myself for sticking to
> the stupid plan. Yesterday I was perfect and need rewarding. I’m too
> clouded at the moment to think of something that’s not food-related
> (first thought: breakfast at the cafe downstairs), which pretty much
> defeats the purpose of said reward.
>
> Can anyone suggest ways to reward myself that aren’t food related?
> It has to be something that I wouldn’t do for myself on a regular
> basis anyway.
>

Hi everyone … Have I lent you my 2.5″ Philips USB Hard Disk? If so
please put me out of my misery and remind me.

As forwarded to me by my dear ol’ dad. Enjoy.

CREDIT CRUNCH TIPS!!!!

DON’T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite
tune and hum it. If you want to “switch tracks”, simply think of another
song you like and hum that instead.

DON’T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your
identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with
your old bank statements.

HOMEOWNERS: Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by simply
moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In
the morning, simply move it all back again..

SAVE money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

DON’T waste money buying expensive binoculars; simply stand closer to
the object you wish to view.

AN empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.

MANCHESTER UTD FANS can save money on expensive new kits by simply
strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all,
as to your allegiance.

SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking
around wearing a miner’s hat.

HOUSEWIVES, the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the
price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in
your coat pocket.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply
cross out the names and address of people you don’t know.

SAVE on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble
full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

SAVE a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam, they
will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.

OLD people, if you feel cold indoors this winter, simply pop outside for
ten minutes without a coat, when you go back inside you will really feel
the benefit.

WHY pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips
from the freezer and try piecing together potatoes.

MIX tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto!
Toffee.

MAKE your own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on
a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.

SHOPPERS, when buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them
before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

WOMEN: Don’t waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn’t care less
anyway and you could use the saved energy to Hoover the house
afterwards.

I was really looking forward to getting our baby bonus. Paperwork
submitted, then waited a week and got a call.

“Hi it’s so-and-so from Centrelink, I’m just processing your baby bonus
and Family Tax Benifit and Rent Assistance, can I have your tax file
number?”
Call completed, then a second later another call:
“Hi it’s so-and-so from Centrelink again, it looks like you’re not
eligible for Rent Assistance.”
Me: oh that’s a shame, how much FTB will we get?
“Hmm, I’ll look that up … oh, looks like you’re not eligible for the
baby bonus. Jack was born last year, and under last year’s rules you can
only claim within 13 weeks of the baby’s birth.”

I was gutted. Not only was it impossible for Jack to have been in
Australia on account of him not having a passport from any country
within 13 weeks, but he would’ve had to be in Australia without his
mother for a $5000 bonus?

She called back a minute later:
“Hi, it’s so-and-so from Centrelink again, I think I’ll send this to
policy department for review as to whether you qualify or not. The
computer says no, but I agree that it’s a touch ridiculous.”

Anyway, after ruminating on it for some time, I believed the argument
for our eventual appeal would be that since FTB are paid and calculated
from when you actually arrive in Australia, and that Jack’s actual
arrival in Australia was March 2009, our 13 weeks should start then.

Anyway, it all became irrelevant this morning when 2 payments of $385
arrived in my bank account. Since the baby bonus site says that it’s now
paid in 13 fortnightly payments of $385, it appears we got it.

hey what mobile networks are people with?

Mint and I are currently on Optus prepaid, but I think we’re getting
ripped off. M&D are on Virgin prepaid, and get good value calling each
other free.

So calling within the network is the cheapest, so I want to find out
what network everyone is on and then I’ll look at the network which the
most of my regular callers subscribe to.